When I was a little girl, I used to be very weak physically; but that didn’t stop me from fighting with my elder sibling. As soon as our father would head out of the door and leave for his office, our fight would start. It would usually start with me irritating my elder sister (that’s what younger siblings usually does, isn’t it?). But, in our case the ending would be a little different. When my sister would be completely pissed, she would hit me to make me stop doing the thing that was irritating her. I, on the other hand, being weak physically, wouldn’t be able to match her strength. Instead, I would use the most effective strength that I had and would work every time —crying and blackmailing her. Once I would start crying, she would do anything possible to make me laugh and make sure that I didn’t complain about it to my father once he would be back from office.

She knew that if our father got to know, she would get a good thrashing from him for hitting me and making me cry. Firstly because, I was too weak to fight her like equals, that he believed to be unfair; and secondly, he used to believe, that since I was her younger sibling, she should deal with me with more patience and love. She knew that father wouldn’t be concerned with what I did to enrage her at the first place. He, being the eldest among his siblings, had always treated all his younger sisters and brothers with a lot of love, and he expected the same from her. Moreover, she knew how much our father hated to walk into the house, after a hectic day of work, just to find me crying.

So, in order to avoid all the mess that would follow, she would try to make up for hitting me. That would be anything ranging from intentionally singing the wrong lyrics of a song to make me laugh, giving me something of hers that I had my eyes on, and if none of these worked, she would ultimately surrender herself to me. When I say surrender herself, it would mean that she would make me sit on the bed and she would sit on the floor (so that I would have easy access to her, since, she was not only stronger but also taller than me), and then I could either pull her hair or scratch her with my nails, to help me take out all my anger till I was satisfied that the punishment would suffice the fact that she hit me and caused me pain.

Now, whenever I think about those days, it makes me extremely sad and guilty to the point that I hate myself for causing her so much pain. Many times I find myself praying to God to shower so much happiness into her life so that it erases the pain that I had caused her when we were little. I can’t seem to forgive myself for the inhuman behaviour on my part. I keep hoping for ways that I could somehow undo whatever pain I had caused her, or shake my younger self till I could push some sense inside so that I could have seen how insensitive I was being for misusing the fact of me being physically weak. It just feels so wrong.

Most of us have some or the other regrets in life. Something we wish we hadn’t done and would love to change if given even the tiniest of opportunities. We all have been there, haven’t we? Deep inside, we all know there is nothing that can be done now to change it; yet, we visit that corner of our brain and sadden ourselves over it. It is like living the phrase — crying over spilled milk.

If someone do us wrong, but, if they later realize their mistake and ask for our forgiveness, we usually try and forgive them. We may not forget what they did, but knowing the fact that they do realise their mistake and they have found the strength to say sorry and make amends for it, we do forgive them for it, don’t we? After all that is what we have been taught and it is what we would love to teach our children.

When we can forgive others for hurting us in any way, why is it so difficult to forgive our own selves for hurting someone else? Don’t we deserve our own forgiveness when we do realise our mistakes? Why is it so hard to forgive oneself? Why do we always hold on to a memory that causes us pain? Why is it so difficult to just let it go?

The main reason why we just can’t seem to let go, according to me, is the fact that we always expect the best from ourselves. The things we idolize are the things we expect ourselves to be. Then, when we commit any mistake, it just makes it hard for us to accept the fact that we have done something wrong, and thus, just makes it impossible for us to forgive and forget.

What we need to understand is that even we are human, and it is human nature to make mistakes. We should make amends for it, that is for sure, but once we have done that, we need to let it go and free ourselves from its burden. We don’t need to be so strict with ourselves. Just like others, we do deserve our own forgiveness once we realize our mistake and are ready to rectify it. Isn’t that what forgiveness is all about.

Forgiving oneself is the toughest of all, and once we have reached that stage, life will seem so beautiful. We will be more at ease mentally and be able to admire our surroundings with a clearer view. That is what we need to aim for. We need to start treating ourselves as we treat others and then we will see that the world will become such a lovely place to live in. As then, nobody would ever hurt the other intentionally.

One of the most beautiful quotes that I have come across, that explain the importance of letting go, goes as follows: