1. IS I AM JUDGEMENTAL

When you believe that your opinions, ideas, and values are always right and others are wrong, you are being judgmental. It’s challenging for you to accept other people’s points of view and therefore, you shut them down or silence them with criticism.

Let me explain to you with a story:

Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.

What can you learn from this story? How can you become less judgmental?Think for a while.

We are all judgmental. It’s just human nature. Even though it’s in our nature to judge, it’s not always helpful and often turns into a hindrance. There is a definite difference between making judgments and being judgmental. Being judgmental can keep us from building relationships, harm those relationships we already have and keep us isolated. As Walt Whitman said, “Be curious, not judgmental”.

Despite our best efforts, we all judge others. It might be over small things Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings.

I stopped judging people all the time when I realized that everyone has their own unique set of experiences (or lack thereof) that led them to their current perspective.

Regardless of how stupid, pointless, or seemingly silly I find someone, it is quite safe for me to assume that they have had a completely different set of experiences as I’ve had.

Do you judge babies for being useless other than pooping, crying, eating, and sleeping?

I’d hope not...

Hopefully, you understand their lack of experience and that they are still learning and growing

They only know what they know, so they are the way they are until they learn otherwise. It’s like that old adage goes... “Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

Better to live in curiosity and seek first to understand before assuming you know the whole story. Plus, it’s less frustrating and irritating that way and people become a riddle to solve and understand instead of nuisances that you scoff at and write off

Also when you live in a place of curiosity, people will like and appreciate you more -- that’s a nice feeling... It’s like that other adage goes, “You become interesting when you become interested.”

Instead, maybe try to think of something positive about them. Then you’ll start to see the best in other people instead of focusing on the negative.

We are all human so we will judge people whether it’s subconsciously or not. Just remember not to go up to them and tell them or start spreading rumors. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life.

2. TIPS TO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE OFTEN

Take a deep breath.

When you catch yourself judging someone, try to make yourself stop. (Like in your thoughts)

Maybe think WHY you are judging them. (Don’t like them, jealous of them, etc.)

Remind yourself no one is perfect.

Now reading these 10 tips for being nonjudgmental can help make the distinction:

(1) Remember that being nonjudgmental isn’t about turning a positive into a negative; it’s about being neutral, neither positive nor negative..

(2) Reducing your negative judgments will reduce your level of anger and other painful emotions.

(3) Keep in mind that judging is like adding fuel to the fire of your emotion; it only increases your painful emotions.

(4) You can often reduce a behavior just by counting how often you’re engaging in that behavior. If you get overwhelmed or discouraged by the thought of stopping your judging, start by counting your judgments first then work your way toward changing them.

(5) Remember that being nonjudgmental will not only help you reduce your emotional pain, but will also have a positive impact on your relationships.

(6) We often respond to a situation as though our judgments were true rather than just labels we’ve stuck on something or someone.

(7) Remember the learning curve:

At first, you’ll notice your judgments only after you’ve made them. As you continue practicing, however, you’ll notice them as you’re making them – before you say them out loud and as they form in your head – until gradually, you’ll find you’re able to form nonjudgmental statements naturally before a judgment arises within you.

(8) As with any skill, being nonjudgmental will be more difficult when your emotions are high.

(9) Practice observing-your-thoughts exercises to help you become more aware of your judgments.

(10) Don’t judge yourself for judging. It’s human nature!

3. EXPAND YOUR MAPS

In NLP (NEURO LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING), there is a presupposition called ‘EACH PERSON IS UNIQUE; THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY’.

The map is not the territory that is derived from the fact that we all construct our own version of reality.

The strong desire to be right is our unconscious mind or our ego trying to protect our identity, which is one of its jobs. However, the desire to be right no matter what can be one of the most damaging behaviors to human relationships.

There can be different perspectives on the same thing. Just because others have different perspectives and views, it does not mean we are wrong or that they are wrong.

Embracing the presupposition that the map is not the territory, creates the potential for us to look at another person’s map with empathy or compassion.

When we choose to respect that others do have a different map to us, none of the protective reactions matter – the misunderstanding, confusion, bewilderment, needing to be right, ascribing negative or sinister motivation, any judgment. We can also clearly see that individual differences do not pose a threat and are not a personal attack on us.

Showing respect for the other person’s map means that we accept that there is not a deficit. There is nothing that they need to fix. They just have their own map based on their own perspective.

Millions of bits of information bombard us every second but we only have a limited capacity to process all those bits. We go through the process of deleting, distorting, generalizing, and filtering the information. We constantly go through a process of selecting what is important to us and it is only from this selection that we then create our internal representation.

It is impossible for any two human beings to select exactly the same combination of informational “bits”.

Our map of the world is the thing we use to guide us and make our decisions.

Our reality may feel objective but at some level, it is a subjective construction, which means the map is not the territory, and it never can be. What we have perceived can only ever represent parts of the external environment, and is only an internal representation of an external reality.

All of us are walking around with our own maps. Sometimes those maps are very functional. They deliver for us the lives that we want to have. They give us opportunities for growth. They give us opportunities for love and connection. They meet all our core needs, and they deliver for us a life that is fulfilling, we’re happy or content or satisfied with it. Yet, sometimes the map may not be so functional – it is not fulfilling. It doesn’t create the quality of experience, relationships, prosperity, the quality of life we want to have.

Embracing the presupposition that the map is not the territory gives us the opportunity to explore our map with great curiosity.

When we engage with others, it is important for us to respect the other person’s map of the world. It is a journey of discovery.

We can continually change and grow our map of the world. We can change the direction we’re headed or the components in the map that we’re choosing to notice, but we cannot impose our map onto others or give them some other map we believe would work better for them.

Recognizing that the map is not the territory enables us to see that we do have the capacity to change our experience of reality. We can reshape and reform merely by changing the things we focus on. Maybe it’s changing some of our values or beliefs that will have us rediscover possibilities and opportunities that we thought we would never have.

Being able to show deep respect for each person’s model enables us to create a zone of safety where we can explore together different models whilst knowing that neither we nor they are being judged or evaluated harshly for the things that we believe or the ways that we have built our respective models of the world.

Showing deep respect for our individual models of the world means that we are being an observer of both our own and others’ worlds, rather than a critic.

Being curious about our individual models of the world without that overlay of judgment enables us to create an opportunity for us to explore the possibility of transformational change.

So, accept the other person’s map without judging them and respect their map. Then you expand your map. This may be the starting point of your journey to within.

A STORY OF NON-JUDGEMENT

There was an old man in a village, very poor, but even kings were jealous of him because he had a beautiful white horse. Such a horse

had never been seen before – the beauty, the very grandeur, the strength. Kings asked for the horse and they offered fabulous prices, but the old man would say, ‘This horse is not a horse to me, he is a person, and how can you sell a person?

He is a friend, he is not a possession. How can you sell a friend? No, it is not possible.’ The man was poor, there was every temptation, but he never sold the horse.

One morning, he suddenly found that the horse was not in the stable. The whole village gathered and they said, ‘You foolish old man. We knew beforehand that someday the horse would be stolen. And you are so poor – how can you protect such a precious thing? It would have been better to sell it. You could have fetched any price you asked, any fancy price as possible. Now the horse is gone. It is a curse, a misfortune.’

The old man said, ‘Don’t go too far – simply say that the horse is not in the stable. This is the fact; everything else is a judgment. Whether it is a misfortune or not, how do you know? How do you judge?’

The people said, ‘Don’t try to befool us. We may not be great philosophers, but no philosophy is needed. It is a simple fact that a treasure has been lost, and it is a misfortune.’

The old man said, ‘I will stick to the fact that the stable is empty and the horse is gone. Anything else I don’t know – whether it is a misfortune or a blessing – because this is just a fragment. Who knows what is going to follow it? People laughed. They thought the old man had gone mad. They always knew that he was a little crazy; otherwise, he would have sold this horse and lived in riches.

But he was living like a woodcutter, and he was very old and still cutting wood and bringing the wood from the forest and selling it. He was living hand to mouth, in misery and poverty. Now it was completely certain that this man was crazy.

After fifteen days, suddenly one night, the horse returned. He had not been stolen: he had escaped to the wilderness. And not only did he come back, he brought a dozen wild horses with him. Again the people gathered and they said, ‘Old man, you were right and we were wrong. It was not a misfortune, it proved to be a blessing. We are sorry that we insisted.’

The old man said, ‘Again you are going too far. Just say that the horse is back, and say that twelve horses have come with the horse – but don’t judge. Who knows whether it is a blessing or not? It is only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read one page of a book, how can you judge the whole book? You read a sentence on a page – how can you judge the whole page? You read a single word in a sentence – how can you judge the whole sentence? And even a single word is not in the hand – life is so vast – a fragment of a word and you have judged the whole!

Don’t say that this is a blessing, nobody knows. And I am happy in my no-judgment; don’t disturb me.’